this blog is officially closed & will no longer be updated. however, if you wish, do click and follow this one;

http://bitt3rbitch.blogspot.com/

cheers.

awkward hey.

it's been ages since i last wrote here. quite frankly, i don't know why or how i ended up here. maybe it's the fact that i'm listening to some good songs and the weather is perfect, maybe i'm feeling a little self-loathing and lonely but today just seems like a good day to let out all my emotions. 

truth is, i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know whether i want to drown myself in my own tears, deafen my ears with the sound of my screams, or take the razor blade from the bottom drawer of my study table and watch as my own blood drips down the water drain. i don't fucking know what i want, but i know what i am, miserable. i woke up this morning, hoping for a productive day for once, only to be defeated by the monster inside of me. there i was, lying on my bed under a thick blanket, staring at the twinkling of my night lights with flashbacks of my past playing at the back of my head along with the never ending scenarios of 'if onlys' and 'what ifs'. an overwhelming grief knotting my stomach and pulling my heart. the kind of morning that makes you hate the world more than ever and doubt the very reason of your existence. there's so much a person can take and truthfully, i am exhausted. 

i dont know how other people does it, fall in love with the same person over and over again. how do i tell you i dont want this relationship anymore? i thought i did, but i dont. i thought i needed it but i dont. how can i break this down to you without hurting you? lately all we do is fight, pointless childish fight which i mostly initiate. the reason has always been the same, because im sick and tired of this, because my feeling for  you is slowly fading away i dont know if i should take a step back, march forward or stay still. i dont know what i want anymore. i made a promise to you, a promise which i cant easily break and what kills is the fact that i dont know if i still could live up to that promise any longer. im feeling empty and lost in this relationship. 

maybe it wasnt you that i fell in love with. it must have been the midnight conversations, rambling nonsenses, crazy adventures, holding hands during movies, cuddling under the blanket during cold weather, having someone to sing my favourite song with a guitar, maybe it was the idea of having a boyfriend that i fell in love with..not you. 

i've tried to bottle up my emotions as hard as i could but i must say, i'm pretty shitty at it huh? haha i never expected you to be the one who blows my cover up, believe me boy, it happens every single time. thank you for making sure i'm alright, for telling me that everything's going to be okay, for never giving up on me.

''you stay while you could've easily left and walked away, i don't know why or how you cope with a stubborn incompetent bitch like me. 'because that's what friends are for' don't pull that crap on me, don't tell me it didn't sting when i said we're only friends 'cause you and i know that friends don't go telling each other how much they miss each other everyday, they don't compliment each other or joke around the way we do, they don't talk every milliseconds twenty four seven. don't tell me it didn't hurt, 'cause if it hurt me it would've hurt you too....''

cheers to a whole new year, it's 2012 bitches. i (still) can't get over how quick time flies. it feels like yesterday when i stepped into my last class in high school and being called 'hantu' by kevin haha, good times.

a lot has happened since i stopped updating here. i am now officially a college student. tons of works to deal with, endless head banging and i can just sense that 2012 is going to be another year full of depression and frustrations. we're back to that now, aren't we stargirl? yes, indeed we are.

currently listening to The Smiths - Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want. my second favourite song after There's a Light that Never Goes Out, 'and if there's a double-decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die' .

sometimes i forget that time has the ability to travel faster than light. high school has officially ended for me and my friends couple of weeks ago. no more calling each other's names in school canteen, pinching each other's asses while walking in the school corridor, making fun of the juniors, shouting randomly at the seniors we have no idea who, skipping subjects after lunch for a trip to the beach, teasing the old chinese security guard who has a pair of lovely sunnies, acting rebelliously for the sake of the principal's attention, attention whores indeed haha.

im not going to be a hypocrite and say that i'm happy and relieved i'm finally done with this shit hole, because the truth is i'm not, surprisingly. if i could rewind back the time and bring the 14 years old me to the present, she would have loved the idea of leaving school more than anything else. isn't it funny? how everything changes in such a short time, and how everything seems a lot, much better in fact, when it's going to leave us? suppose the building that have become a huge part of my daily life for the last 4 years could talk, it would probably be yelling at me right now, ' go get the fuck outta here and chase your dreams, go live your life the way you've always wanted to'

and to be really honest what dreams? what life?

none of those matter when you're in high school. ironically, things like 'whose house are we crashing tonight?' 'what movie is playing in the cinema tonight?' did. right now, i'm feeling lost and confused. everyone else seem to have figured out what they want to do or where they want to go. they have built themselves boats, whereas me, i'm still follwing the current of water, letting life surprise me.

i thought this was what i wanted. a no string attached kind of relationship, if i could even refer this as one. but lately I've been doubting myself. growing fond of you is probably the worst thing that could happen right now. judging from my failing grades in school and the fact that im going to be in college next year, which requires my full concentration on my studies and not some kind of puppy monkey love. it's funny. how i've always told myself to think twice before letting people into my life. to build my wall higher after the previous failed romance simply because i am a hopeless romantic. This reminds me of the promise I made to myself awhile ago, to not get emotionally attached to this place, to think of it as nothing but a 'transit' place, like when you're going to a certain country and you have to transit in some places in order to get there. but now i realize how silly i must have been to ever made that promise in the first place 'cause it's literally like 'challenging' God and tell Him i could defy gravity.

just be tough when you world falls apart

i had better days

when i heard the news, i was surprisingly okay with it. i guess i had no surprise because i have long expected it to happen. months passed and i haven't shed a single tear for you. i swore to myself that i would not let myself go through the same old shits again and for the first time in my life, i kept that promise. i never cried for you. the moment you stepped out of my life, it felt like, God, it felt good. it felt as if an elephant has been lifted off my back. i no longer felt the burden, the constant wonder of your whereabouts or whom you spend your day with, i was actually quite okay with how thing turned out for us. i met new people, had my heart flattered and broken few times but hey i was a happy girl.

............................but it just hit me there. a vision of you wearing your black shirt suddenly came to my mind while i was reading through my friend's older posts. Only then i realized, how much i have missed you.

It is Okay not to be Okay.

perasaan itu ga constant. perasaan berubah. kaya jarum jam waktu yang terus muter dari menit satu ke menit yang lain. bedanya, perasaan ga berubah secepet muternya jarum jam waktu. sampe sekarang belum ada hipotesis yang menyatakan ada relasi antara feelings sama waktu. tapi one thing that i'm sure of, mereka ga kekal.

the hell sama orang orang yang muna dan bilang 'sampe kapanpun gak akan pernah berubah' no offense buat kangen band & lagunya. tau, gara2 dulu suka nonton sinetron kendi. as i was saying secara ga langsung, mereka 'nantangin' one thing that yang udah mutlak resmi jadi hak milik waktu sama perasaan. sama aja kaya ngomong ke mike tyson dia gabisa tinju. i'll take my hat off buat siapapun yang bisa ngebuktiin kata2 diatas. as far as i know, sejauh jarak kutub utara dan selatan yang ada di otak gue, menahan perasaan untuk ga berubah atau 'kekal' itu cuma bisa berhasil kalo lo bisa 'ngeberhentiin' waktu. batre jam harus dicopot. rotasi bumi harus di stop. defying gravity. live in your fantasy. lama lama ngebunuh diri sendiri. Tuhan tuh adil cuma kadang Dia harus 'jahat' biar kita sadar, ngasih perbedaan yang kontras banget antara realitas dunia asli sama alam kepala lo itu.

what comes up, always comes down. kaya anak2 TK yang terlalu hyperactive loncat sana sini gara2 kebanyakan coklat ujung2nya juga bakal 'berlutut', megangin perutnya yang sakit. what once's lost, if God's willing, will return back to whoever it belongs to. jangan karena lo mikir lo layak dapet yang lebih baik dan lo 'kuat' lo gaperlu nangis.

Rescue Me

for the past few days, i notice that my mind's been loitering around endlessly across the universe. i'm starting to feel like how i felt last year -man in the sky forbids!- i don't want to lose myself again. wait let me rephrase that, i can't afford to lose myself again! not now, not this year. there's just too much risk.

last Saturday was the pmt day, or in other words, the parents-meet-teachers day. i have successfully proved to myself once again that i am a huge ass of a failure. my parents' reactions towards my results was far from what i had pictured in my head. they took it surprisingly okay. a part of me thinks that maybe they are beginning to get used to it. to the scent of a failure walking around their house.

a little part of me dies everytime i flip through my report card 5 years ago. i wonder where that little girl went, what takes her so long to come back or will she ever come back? see, this is what high school does to you. the dramas rape your mind, the endless activities weaken your body and next thing you know you're just a piece of meat walking around aimlessly with no direction, inspirations let alone expectations.

expect the unexpected, they say.

happy sixteenth tong!

2000, Boscha Bandung w/ Biggie

it hasn't been such an easy ride for us lately, has it? everyday is like a repetition; you keep on telling yourself that things are going to change, but tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes yet everything remains the same. nothing is more painful than waking up every morning, forcing a smile to hide the tears from the night before. you feed yourself with high expectations hoping that things will somehow magically work out by itself but end up crying yourself to sleep when the darkness comes to life. At times it seems like you're doing nothing but bullshitting yourself. trying to make yourself believe that the sun rises from the west and sinks in the east and when Neptunes is hungry he eats half of the moon. trying to make yourself believe that you could make it on your own.

i know you're trying your hardest to change and make everything easier but don't be too hard on yourself, love. the world may seem like a pretty much fucked up place to you now but you shall never forget the 'man' in charge of it. When something bounds to happen, it will happen. have faith in Him, focus on your dream and fight for it, carpe diem baby.

i hope you learn your lessons well from those worthless shits you did and may all your (unspoken) wishes come true.

love,

ghost of your past.

♥

hey mama ona this one is for you!

they are my two mOOdbOOsisters i can't possibly imagine living without. the picture was taken a year ago, i'm sure you guys remembered what happened that night. man, aren't we bunch of naive youngsters slash big dreamers in this small town, some unforgettable moment it was indeed :)

anyways, ONA the title says it all. i shall let the ''screen-captured''msn conversations' do the talking.

5/31/11 10:22 atsarinaaah I am always and forever grateful for Iona's existence

5/31/11 10:22 atsarinaaah i do love her, not in a lesbian way of course

5/31/11 10:23 vash you know what

5/31/11 10:23 vash it's odd

5/31/11 10:23 vash before Iona came you were so messed

5/31/11 10:23 vash it's like she was sent to meet you for a reason

5/31/11 10:23 vash now you seem happy and cheerfull

5/31/11 10:25 atsarinaaah haha was i really that fucked up?

5/31/11 10:25 atsarinaaah well that girl

5/31/11 10:26 atsarinaaah she's definitely the kind of friend i wanna drink chivas regal with when i'm 75 years old

5/31/11 10:27 vash ahahahahaha, iona is like an angel sent to you

5/31/11 10:28 vash i bet you two will grow old together lol

so before sending us the text like you did the other day, when you were all emo and shit because of that stupid 3 years old stuck in a body of a highschool girl, remember that tong has a blog and in her blog there's this post. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxo hugs and kisses.

i am not too blind to know

'' It's often just enough to be with someone. You don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You are not alone. ''

(marilyn monroe)

'' now they say i'm wasting my time, 'cause you're never coming home. but they used to say the world was flat and how wrong was that now ''

(the script)

it's 3:22 am right now and i am wide awake.

been sleeping/reading/eating/movie marathon-ing basically everything to pass the time and survive this holiday. if you're wondering who is that hawt chic with me on the picture above? it's Gab. if my blog is a daily close to you (ha i wish) you would know who she is. she's one of the people that i have grown close with for the last 3 years of my life.

people tend to not get her sometimes because of her labile personality. but i'm telling you right here right now that she's ze perfect companion if you're up to some crazy rock and roll night. being the guys' magnet, she has countless boys chasing after her. numerous contact numbers and inboxes fill up her phone that they're enough to blow up the whole thing. i don't recall her ever not having any midnight calls everytime we're on our sleepover. no doubt, she's one lucky nut in love. and is probably the reason why there are so many broken hearts out there hahaha.

seeing how unproductive our days will be till school reopens, which oh so happens to be on my birthday. great her mum decided to let her stay at my place for another night. we should be asleep by now but heck who gives a shit to that when you're on a holiday? haha screw you haunting test papers 'cause right now hot people are waiting for us in omegle.

we may come across as pathetic to you but hey, if you're stuck miles away from home in the last place you want to be on your list and can't do anything about it but learn how to suck it up, the wisest thing to do is to make no room for sadness whatsoever in your life 'cause you never know which is shorter, the penis of an orangutan or your life.

good morning loves.

i said happy ending, but i never said it'll be easy.

it's currently 1:31 am on Friday the 13th haha. one and three. something about numbers, i don't know, they fascinate me. exactly in a month time, the second digit of my age will increase by one.

anyways, i stayed up late tonight for the sake of learning Vectors and me being me, i couldn't help but to let the distractions get to me. watched the movie 500 Days of Summer. something about this movie, whenever it's on or when it would just randomly pops up during commercial breaks, i get this funny feeling where all of a sudden the clock freezes for a while and i'm back at where i have always meant to be at. always and always, it never fails me. i remember being lazy bums with my cousin, spending the whole week movie-marathon-ing and at the same time, getting my emotions completely twisted by the fight i had with, ha well i don't think it matters anymore who that person is. Out of 1000 movies we watched that week, this movie is by far the one and only movie i feel like i have a connection with. if you were me, you would know. why and how these things never stop running endlessly in my mind.

sometimes i wish they would just go *poof!* for a while without having my head exploded. haha

'' honey if you let me with you, i'll fix you right. so right we might as well go on together, 'cause baby i can love you better if you realize ''

the picture above, that's exactly what i want to do right now and not being stuck here in this cold room with a sore throat and blocked nose sounding like a laughing pig everytime i try to talk. i know i am probably dreaming, but at least i know i'm not the only one.

somehow my brother and i got into the conversation of me and well, my fucked up life. it was as if he sprinkled some magic powder on me, i began telling him every bits of my story. back then, my brother and i were not exactly what you called as 'close', we have always been like tom and jerry. we never got along well. but that night, for someone whose always been surrounded by wall, i didn't know how i managed to slowly tumble it down. i guess what happened was, we grow up.

he knows how insecure i can be at times and sure knows how to get a good laugh out of it. finally, after throwing fries at each other, he came up with his own quote which roughly translated as, 'alright. so here's the deal missy. you don't feel pretty about yourself.... which i have to agree hahaha, BUT that's okay! 'cause when the time comes, somebody will find you. sounds like it's unlikely to happen to you but hahaha BUT, believe me, it will happen. and when it does, don't you dare let that person go. 'cause whoever he may be, he sees you as who you are. maybe you see yourself as this lonely incompetent bitch now but to him, you will be much more than that' i swear, this never left my mind ever since. this saying accompanied me through my loneliest not to mention saddest days and never failed to cheer me up. i can't imagine how life will be like for us if the 'kit-kat' incident never happened. maybe we would still be living in the same house but we definitely wouldn't be bothered to knock on each other's door.

i don't know, i don't know why i'm posting this up. i guess my brother is right after all. months after that talk we had, after another one of my relationship failure, this boy showed up. it felt as though god wanted to convince me that there are still those who are good among the bad. i've always thought of him merely as a friend and maybe, a hopeless admirer. 'cause it honestly, never crossed my mind for us to be together. at least not until recently. but too late, karma has another way of thinking and thought 'oh, won't it be fun to teach this little ungrateful bitch a lesson?' so here i am, writing this down, with all these thoughts running, roaming around endlessly in my head. what if i said yes? what if i went out with him the first time he asked me? or the second time? i didn't know i could actually like this guy this much at first. but i know it's useless now, considering the fact that he's left my station for another train and is probably on the way to another station and be with someone new. i guess what i'm trying to say is, appreciate what you've got now 'cause you never know what you have until it's gone. no matter how hard you try to think that everything still remains the same, everything hasn't changed, hasn't fallen apart but really, who the fuck are you kidding? it fucking has. when you love someone, have enough balls to be frank about it 'cause lightning doesn't strike the same place twice and you never know, it could be your only chance to tell that person. don't be like me, don't break your neck to keep your chin up when things don't work out the way you hoped they would.

this may sound cliche but i find it funny how the things that once, i thought i couldn't imagine doing with you become the reasons why i want you now.

'' love is a puzzle and all you need is someone to just figure it out, don't look far now 'cause you know i'll always be waiting in front ''

lately i feel like i've lost the time and passion to blog. if this blog was a house it'd be colonized by spiders and more spiders with thousand of their spiderwebs. *ihavethisthingforspiders* i swear i was THIS close to delete this bloody bastard but i figured if i do then i'll be even more of an unproductive person than i already am, rotting slowly in the corner of the room with an empty heart. ANYWAYS, how you folks doing? who the hell do i think im talking to, no one's reading this shit anymore. well, if there happens to be a fly flying around in front of the screen or an ant crawling craving for food and end up to be in front of the screen *ialsohavethisthingforfliesandants*i hope you guys are doing better than me. at least you have six legs and two wings to save yourselves from being a failure unlike yours truly here who has nothing but a rotting veggie. i am currently shitting myself 'cause the first semester exam is coming in two weeks and i haven't studied a thing!!!!!!! *exagerrationmuch*so many things to do yet so little time, now now won't life be easier if we all have our own doraemon's pocket? ....................................................*cricket chirping* *ibasicallyhavethingsforallanimals* bored, freaking out, bored, panicking, bored, might as well shoot myself dead.

dee ei em ei gee ee dee.

decided to skip school today and give myself a day off but what did i get intstead? a small fight with my parents. i didn't expect this for something so simple. geez arin, what did you expect hah? nothing's free in this world. they wanted to know what is up with me since i've been going around with a 'sour face' and giving everyone a silence treatmeant lately. i told them nothing was wrong, everything is fine, everything is going so great i can't even believe it. it feels like riding on a unicorn with ben ten destroying all the aliens with our laser beams. there's nothing wrong with me, just fucking leave me alone you two. i didn't say that obviously. i just stood there and said 'nothing' which was not entirely a lie, there was pretty much nothing to discuss about anyway. even if i did tell them what exactly was wrong, they still wouldn't understand.

as i looked at the photographs of me and my friends stuck on my wall, i thought of nothing but 'how did that happy bitch turn into this fucked up girl?' for someone who has always been mentally and physically 'alone' i tend to keep silence but at the same time keeping myself hard as iron. Ona said, 'dude sometimes you need to let people in and see how long they'll stay' how long they'll stay? hmmmm, according to my past experiences, they won't stay that long. i've learned my lesson well and managed to build a wall big enough around me so that people won't walk in and out of my life that easy anymore.

current song playing: The Chase - Late Night Revival

current mood: as flat as my twins.

gah, i feel like an unsolved puzzle, something doesn't feel right. something is missing. but im not sure what that something is.