read it - keep it - lock it.

did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?

i am going to tell you a secret.

a secret which only my close friends and one trustful cousin know about, a secret that i don't dare to even tell my parents. a secret, yes a secret i have been wanting to blog about for a long time but hadn't got the chance till i can keep no longer.

okay here goes :

as stupid as you think this may sound,but i have a feeling i'm not going to live for a long period. Strange,what a 14 years old know about life you ask? truth to be told, i have not a single clue how that ever crossed my mind. it's one little thought i got when i was a kid. you know how in younger days you may experience some sort of 'magic power' or whatever you call that where you can feel what others can't feel or see. As a kid, i was quite a trouble for the family. I had almost gone mentally retarded when i fell off my little black four-wheeled bike 9 years ago. I can't exactly remember what happened but i remember that panic face drawn on my brother's face as he carried me to the house. It was quite an excrutiating moment really. My father was super mad at my brother that he wouldn't let him send me to the hospital with them and my mum had no intention of talking to him for a week. It was very devastating and i was the one to blame,eventhough not exactly. but still. it was because of me they had to suffer.

4 years later, i fell off a slide and my head knocked on the edge of stone-staircase which caused my scalp to cut open for 7 cm long. i went through my first ever surgery when i was 9. it was the most scary moment i had ever go through in my whole life. it was almost impossible to sleep soundly during the first 5 nights. i was scared i would land on the injured part of my head when i slept. I had to abscence from school for about 2 weeks. it was the toughest time because when i came back to school i did not know anything. i had no idea what the teacher was teaching,i was very much clueless that i ended up failing on some subjects. at that moment, i felt like a complete failure. i wanted to drop out of school but i couldn't. Then it hit me right there,real hard. I began to think about life and why are we even here? it doesn't even make sense when you reallly think about it but that exactly what i did.

Maybe, it is true. maybe i won't be able to celebrate my sweet seventeen after all, now i'm 14, so exacly how many years left for me? 2 to 3 years? it hurts enough to even think of it.

i don't fuckin care what you might say about all this. i was just sharing some thoughts with you. well i'm done here.