When I was five, I used to ask my mother a lot of questions. One of them was, '' what did you want to be when you grow up? '' I remember she was helping put on my kindergarten uniform which was a baby blue pinafore when I asked her this. She stopped for a while to look at me and said '' to become Arin's mother ''
I used to think that you were only saying this to stop me from asking you anymore questions but only now I realize what you truly said. Only now when everything has torn apart and I'm really messed up. Do you remember when you used to take me to Dufan when I was little and how we'd take a ride on that roller coaster ? Do you remember as soon as the ride was over you asked me which part of the ride was my favourite and I said when we were going down the rail 'cause that was the only time I got to scream the hell out of me on top of my lungs?
Without you noticing, I'm actually taking a ride on a ' roller coaster ' right now. The only thing that differs my 'roller coaster' from the others is that there's no track constructed for this roller coaster to go up, it only has one track that can only allow it to go down in a super duper fast speed. Everything, every single things in my life are going downhill along with this roller coaster I'm riding on right now. I'm not even screaming, Mum. Like you know I would, I guess I'm getting used to this already.
You and dad have always wondered what went wrong in me for the last 3 years. Hey, I guess your 'tongtong' is a grown-up now. I don't sneak in you guys' bedroom at 3 am anymore, do I? ;) .I wish I could tell you why I've been such a mess but I don't think you're going to be entertained. It's the same old shit all over again, Pop. You gave me choices before and I've made mine, but you know how this family runs, such little thing is never considered.
It's just like that time when I was still in the 7th grade, when I was still new to all of this and I failed my science badly. I was crying my fucking eyes out in my room when you came and said 'everything's going to be okay, everything's going to be fine, ' when I know everything has changed in so many fucking ways.
I miss my brother, I really do. I miss how he'd always joke about me and my screwed up life. How he'd make sarcastic comments about my pathetic lovelife. Though his words are cruel sometimes but they actually help me a lot. They help me to open both my ears and eyes that have long been sealed tightly. '' karena walau mata tidak dapat melihat, masih ada telinga yang mendengar ''
Dad, I know you know I have a blog and I'm pretty sure you're Google's bestfriend, what I'm saying is that if you're happen to be reading this, I just wanna let you know that I'm sorry for what is going to happen on this coming Saturday as will not be pleasant for both you and mum. One day, when I finally get married and have kids, you'll be telling them about this and we're gonna laugh our ass off remembering little mistakes like these are what make our lifes worth living for. Amen.
Mum, I'm sorry too. I'll work harder to fullfill you dream in having that Arin back as your daughter. Thank you for always believe in me even when I can't trust myself. You know it means a lot to me for you to do this. I don't wanna dissapoint you guys anymore.
I don't.
I used to think that you were only saying this to stop me from asking you anymore questions but only now I realize what you truly said. Only now when everything has torn apart and I'm really messed up. Do you remember when you used to take me to Dufan when I was little and how we'd take a ride on that roller coaster ? Do you remember as soon as the ride was over you asked me which part of the ride was my favourite and I said when we were going down the rail 'cause that was the only time I got to scream the hell out of me on top of my lungs?
Without you noticing, I'm actually taking a ride on a ' roller coaster ' right now. The only thing that differs my 'roller coaster' from the others is that there's no track constructed for this roller coaster to go up, it only has one track that can only allow it to go down in a super duper fast speed. Everything, every single things in my life are going downhill along with this roller coaster I'm riding on right now. I'm not even screaming, Mum. Like you know I would, I guess I'm getting used to this already.
You and dad have always wondered what went wrong in me for the last 3 years. Hey, I guess your 'tongtong' is a grown-up now. I don't sneak in you guys' bedroom at 3 am anymore, do I? ;) .I wish I could tell you why I've been such a mess but I don't think you're going to be entertained. It's the same old shit all over again, Pop. You gave me choices before and I've made mine, but you know how this family runs, such little thing is never considered.
It's just like that time when I was still in the 7th grade, when I was still new to all of this and I failed my science badly. I was crying my fucking eyes out in my room when you came and said 'everything's going to be okay, everything's going to be fine, ' when I know everything has changed in so many fucking ways.
I miss my brother, I really do. I miss how he'd always joke about me and my screwed up life. How he'd make sarcastic comments about my pathetic lovelife. Though his words are cruel sometimes but they actually help me a lot. They help me to open both my ears and eyes that have long been sealed tightly. '' karena walau mata tidak dapat melihat, masih ada telinga yang mendengar ''
Dad, I know you know I have a blog and I'm pretty sure you're Google's bestfriend, what I'm saying is that if you're happen to be reading this, I just wanna let you know that I'm sorry for what is going to happen on this coming Saturday as will not be pleasant for both you and mum. One day, when I finally get married and have kids, you'll be telling them about this and we're gonna laugh our ass off remembering little mistakes like these are what make our lifes worth living for. Amen.
Mum, I'm sorry too. I'll work harder to fullfill you dream in having that Arin back as your daughter. Thank you for always believe in me even when I can't trust myself. You know it means a lot to me for you to do this. I don't wanna dissapoint you guys anymore.
I don't.
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