13.06.96, a year being on this earth.
Dear father of mine, I've been wanting to blog about this for ages but I refrained till the right time comes.
After 15 years of living under the same roof, I have never felt so very far away from you. Eventhough you're downstairs, having your breakfast right now but with this wall I've built around me, it feels like you're a thousand gazillion miles away from me. Underneath this body is your blood flowing, I am a part of you. I am your flesh and blood. I am your daughter. I used to be the girl that would sit next to you, blabbering my mouth and bore your ears with my endless stories. Whenever I had rough nights trying to sleep, you would tell me this particular story about a poor wood cutter man trying to live up his family, but instead of feeling sleepy, my little head would pop up questions like 'what happened to the man then, dad?' 'oh my god, how old are his kids?' and so on till you got tired of answering my questions that you'd fall asleep. I used to be the girl who would tell you everything and listen to everything you say.
When I was younger I made a promise to myself that I'd never let you down. I was the girl who was able to do everything to restrain herself from falling flat on her face. I'm losing her now, she's gone. She's no longer a part of me anymore. I miss having her around, you know, she seemed to always have the right things to say/do. Everything seemed simple whenever she's around but now? what the fuck happened? I don't know. She left. Gone for 3 years now.
It's sad to think just how much and far I've distanced myself from this family, from you especially. I wonder how you feel whenever I get home past 11 pm after hanging out with my friends, I wonder how you feel when you see my 'burnt' report card with lots of shoe-size numbers on it, I wonder if you ever feel replaced by a boy who once revolved around my life.
I'm building this wall around me just to remind myself that I should never let it that easy for people to walk in and out of my life anymore. But most importantly is to protect myself and my feelings. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Time passes so quickly like water trickles down a drain, earth hasn't stopped rotating even for a sec, changes take place inevitably and you're probably wondering what is wrong with me? Well pa, I'm growing up. You may think this is funny coming from me but I'm starting to learn how take more responsibility in my hand and standing on my two feet 'cause I ain't gonna live with you forever, am I? So don't worry if I lock my door 24/7, I need some space for my own. To think about the consequences I get of things that I've done or the ones that hasn't occured yet. No matter how much life fails me, I know that you'll always be there to tell me the right things to do and that's why, dad, I love you eventhough I don't always say this out loud.
As for now, I don't need to be happy. I just need to know that I'm okay though I know now that I'm not but I'll be just fine. ; )
much loves, tong.
No comments:
Post a Comment