it's been ages since i last wrote here. quite frankly, i don't know why or how i ended up here. maybe it's the fact that i'm listening to some good songs and the weather is perfect, maybe i'm feeling a little self-loathing and lonely but today just seems like a good day to let out all my emotions.
truth is, i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know whether i want to drown myself in my own tears, deafen my ears with the sound of my screams, or take the razor blade from the bottom drawer of my study table and watch as my own blood drips down the water drain. i don't fucking know what i want, but i know what i am, miserable. i woke up this morning, hoping for a productive day for once, only to be defeated by the monster inside of me. there i was, lying on my bed under a thick blanket, staring at the twinkling of my night lights with flashbacks of my past playing at the back of my head along with the never ending scenarios of 'if onlys' and 'what ifs'. an overwhelming grief knotting my stomach and pulling my heart. the kind of morning that makes you hate the world more than ever and doubt the very reason of your existence. there's so much a person can take and truthfully, i am exhausted.
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